Looking in the Mirror

Girl looking into mirror
Girl looking into mirror

The hard blatant truth is that I am chubby.

It took me 30 seconds of pause before I could write that word.

The horrible connotation with chubby chasers, the awful things people say about women like Christina Aguilera who flaunt their curves after a bit of weight gain (& still look amazing btw), the mirror that stares back at me 20 kilos heavier.

The weird thing is I am so conflicted about it.

I know I have put on lots of weight BUT it’s because I’ve been sick.

I know lots of men like curves BUT there’s a lot less guys throwing themselves at me than when I was 20 kilos lighter.

I am feeling great emotionally … calm, happy, clear minded, excited, balanced, open. The best I have felt in a long time. BUT I can’t help feeling I should be skinny!

I love it when I see women who are so confident in their own skin and I think they look so beautiful with their breasts spilling out, their hips seductively beckoning as they walk, their bodies and eyes and smiles so full of life. BUT sometimes I just cannot see myself the same way and my internal dialogue is just so mean!

Over the last few years I have had quite a few friends lose a lot of weight. Some very quickly, and others over 12 –24 months. In speaking to any of them they have changed their diet to eat for pain not pleasure and their exercise regime to punish their bodies into being skinny. Quite frankly I don’t want to do that!

I have done that.

There were 2 skinny times in my life that stand out to me (apart from when I was 16).

The first was when I had a strict naturopathic regime of certain foods I could eat. I actually enjoyed the foods and sustained this for many years. And I was doing martial arts and gym work which I loved. Life was good. Then I met my boyfriend who ended up moving in with me and the balance of life changed. He actually went to a dietitian to put on weight mmmm that ended in tears… for me!

Then we broke up after 4+ years for various reasons and I spiraled into a state of turmoil over every aspect of my life. It was the loss of everything in my life that I wasn’t coping with and I had severe anxiety. The weight dropped off me. I looked fabulous on the outside but it was like my body was lying to trick everybody about what was going on in the inside.

A bit like now really but the other way around!

The fact is, I like my body (mostly) … until I’m confronted with someone skinnier who looks amazing sitting next to me in bathers. I’m not sure why I give my power away in these situations and give myself a self esteem battering.

It is so much easier to look at OTHER women with (real) curves and think they look amazing. (Not the fake E news ones who have a promo saying curves are back and overlook the amazing Christina Hendricks from Madmen to vote Scarlett Johansen number 1. Ummmm she is skinny with boobs and a push up bra. She is NOT curvy.)

Looking at old nudes in the art Gallery is one of my favourite things… I think they look so beautiful. Sigh. Not too many nude models look like that anymore. But I do!

So in truth I don’t really want to be skinnier in terms of the pain I have to go through to do it. I just want to love and accept myself more.

I came to Bali initially to help heal and balance my life. I’ve ended up opening up an amazing business that cares and nurtures women, and as my last guest said, ‘changes peoples lives’. I am so happy and content and I love my life. Yes I still get lonely for a consistent relationship with close friends, family and a gorgeous man. But I feel so blessed and thankful which is an amazing place for my head and heart to be in.

I have done some things for myself in this time, but really living at the Villa 24/7 in service to my staff and guests I haven’t given myself the time to self nurture and become physically healthier. But I have had a lot of massages ☺

Our amazing healer Sami (refer to blog #1) has been working with me on my health and it seems it’s a much slower process than I thought. He told me I’m not meant to lose a lot of weight, if I didn’t look like this I wouldn’t be ‘Zoe’. I’m still disappointed he hasn’t made me skinny yet!

He has explained to me that the body I was born with has big breasts to protect my heart and lung meridiens which are linked to my large intestine … all of which are prone to weakness and help determine my body shape… So it’s not just all those banana pancakes!?!

And even though I know why I look the way I do and what I have to do to change it… I am still conflicted!
Because deep down I am quite happy with my curves, I’m not willing to put myself through more pain for weightloss and I still hate the thought of being called chubby.

Looking at myself and seeing myself the same way I see those other curvy beautiful women will go a long way. Now I just have to open my eyes.

Actually, if you look in the mirror and blink really fast, you look so much skinnier … And surely that’s considered exercise?!!

PS: (the following note has been added 2 days after the blog has been written after various responses via fb)

I just wanted to share with you some feedback from a dear friend who is on her own amazing journey in life and who completely gets the intention of this blog. It is not a blog making excuses about being chubby, it is a blog representing all women of all sizes and the way our self dialogue sometimes gets in the way of our self esteem. It is about the honesty and acceptance of the situation we are in. For me personally it is a dialogue with myself about my own self acceptance in the hope other women will find the courage to look at their amazing selves through new eyes full of love.

This is from Tiffany via fb thus the personal nature:

“for goodness sakes woman how many times do I have to tell you, you would look weird skinny 🙂 you are one of the most attractive, stylish, stunning women I have ever seen chubster (kidding) – you are glorious! you know that though. I honestly think all women, skinny, chubby, anorexic, obese, look at other women in bikinis and criticize themselves. I think its ‘in us’ from years of expectations and media and airbrushing and oppression from days gone by to doubt our inner beauty and our outer beauty. The fact you share your thoughts is admirable and gives the rest of us permission to not only be more gentle on ourselves but love ourselves too, as you do. I love the shit out of you! When the men around you wake the f*ck up and see what they could have if they were worthy enough this will be a good day. Till then, eat banana pancakes, get massages, care for yourself, love yourself and keep writing funny and inspiring blogs xxx please. xx”

Thank you to everybody who has contributed and opened your mind just a little bit to understand one person’s humble perspective.

Love Zoë, xxxxx